New start. Leaving behind

Basically, I was self destructing.
Ruining relationships between myself&friends, my boyfriend, and everyone close to me.
I was tearing myself apart inside out& couldn't take it anymore.
Hit rockbottom, God picked me up and let me know things have to change, or I won't survive.
So I'm starting new.
Started a new blog- GothicKittyRamblings.
It will be my new start.
I'm changing, for the best.
It was time to let ana and so much more go.
Follow my new blog if you want.
I love you all dearly.
But this is goodbye to this blog.
Thankyou all for the support&love you have given me<3

Misaki

I hate, everything about you.

I hate myself.
Completely.
I look in the mirror, and just loathe myself.
I've completely lost respect for myself&my body.
Won't be eating tommorow.
Housework&working out will be my day.
Decided I don't deserve sleep either. So haven't been to bed yet.
3:44am.
Will be packing&cleaning.
Have to keep moving.
All that fat I ate today.
I don't deserve sleep.
Will lose this fat.
Will look amazing in my dress&costume.
I will be happy.

I hate everything about myself.
I can't stick to a diet.
I've gotten so fat.
So ugly.
I WILL LOSE THIS WEIGHT!

I have to.
Soon.

Sweetdreams all
xxx

Biggest fail yet...New day

So basically ana hates me..i've screwed up completely.
Haven't been able to blog, or to get the courage to look at the scales for the last week.
I've been really sick with this flu and chest infection&croup...been using that as an excuse to eat whatever I want and make myself insanely fat...Am on antibiotics. Have such a bad cough, it's aweful. Exausting!

My stomach looks pregnant...been hiding from mirrors too.
Looking on everyones latest journal/blogs, i'm kind of relieved that i'm not the only one who's had a bad week. Makes me feel not so alone.
Been watching ana movies and clips tonight.
Am now inspired enough to start my diet tommorow!
Black coffee&green apples, here I come!
Will do a big shop tommorow! =)
Going to church at 9am tommorow.grrrr. Parents choice. Not happy!
Means getting up at 7:45am =(
Bit too wound up to sleep just yet.
Took my meds. Just feel so down and worthless.
So fat.
Horrible.
New goal weight is 100lbs ^_^
Everyone else on here measures in pounds, so I looked it up, and decided 100 sounds really good to me! Currently am 123lbs...O_O SO FAT!!!
Thought 100 sounds so much nicer. It's a bit under my goal weight, but oh well!
Means I have to lose 23lbs, or 11kg.
Yah-ness.
Wish me luck guys!!!

Love to all my beautiful followers!
Think thin <3
xxx

So sorry for not writing last few days...

So sorry. Had a mega meltdown Thursday night.
Was depressed, suicidal and I just snapped. Looked in the mirror and hated what I saw.
Was so close to smashing it, but instead, I broke down sobbing for hours. Then turned the mirror around because I didn't want to look at myself anymore...(it's still turned around)
My boyfriend and I had a huge fight after finding out from his best friend that he'd been lying to me about drinking.
I just snapped and lost it.I  HATE lies. I don't tolerate them at all.
Was close to slicing my wrist and thigh alot.
Or taking all my meds in my room...sigh. We almost brokeup...I told him I wasn't his girlf anymore and that I was out of his life. Depression&suicidal....=s
Couldn't write sorry.
Boyfriend and I made up. Working on it now. Tough though =(

Had a 21st roadtrip with sister&husband, my boyf didn't sleep all night thurs, (after our fight as he didn't want to risk sleeping in and missing coming with us) so he was shattered all day&night fri. Kinda killed the day. =(
We left at 12:30pm on Friday, were meant to leave 12 but then my sister was running late.
Went to pak 'n' save for lunch food and snacks. Ended up finally leaving for up north at around 2pm...Lol. Distractions! ^_^  We got up north around 4-5pm ish and took a few photos at different places. (I looked huge in all of them...) Then walked around the warehouse for ages...Then left for dinner and to get ready for the party. Had a few leaves of lettuce for dinner...was feeling sick and yuck. Got to the party around 7:45pm. Left early as they were all falling asleep and the boys looked so freakn bored the whole time. Was annoyed at that! they weren't even trying to socialise or have fun. Grrrr. Was fun talking to my mate who's 21st it was, known him since I was like 2! Haha. So that was fun. Met random people, and the costumes were awesome! Left at 9:30ish even though the DJ was coming at 10 =( That sucked but had a long journey ahead of us and they were falling asleep =s I didn't sleep the whole way home. Cuddled my boyfriend for parts of it.

 I had been looking forward to this trip for weeks. 3hour drive. Mini roadtrip. Was meant to be so much fun. But it wasn't. Sigh. Fights with my boyfriend, both being completely shattered and on edge, my sister&her husband had a harsh fight...sigh. It just sucked...
Ended well though. My boyf and I hugged and talked in the car for awhile once we got home, which was around 12:30-1am, and I finally got to sleep around 3am.After txn my boyf for an hour to talk about stuff. Get issues sorted. We still didn't agree, so am feeling unsettled about that =s

I was sick most of the day fri, so I didn't eat much. Exaustion and just felt yuck. Stomach pains =(
Looked thin in the mirror late last night, so I got excited and couldn't wait to weigh myself this morning! Jumped on the scales and it said 54.9kg then jumped to 55.0kg!!!!
Haven't weighed that in awhile! Sooooo close to 54!!!! O_O
Rather excited. 4kg to go!!!! <3

I hope everyone elses weekend was better!
This post is confusing I know =(
Sorry. Just my mind is pretty messed up lately.
I didn't cut. Not sure if I should be proud or not.
Just feeling so drained and exausted.

Tried sleeping this morning, but my brother&his girlf talked loudly for hours, then before 9am, he played electric guitar on full amp, for hours =( longer, and louder, even after I asked him to turn it down, he finally stopped and they left to go see my mum (a teacher) at her school calf club, I thought i'd finally be sleeping, but then dad came home and told me  he was leaving in 10mins to go see mum, and I felt guilty I hadn't gone yet, even though I was shattered and falling asleep...
I hurried to get ready and went up there for half an hour. Mum was happy to see me.
Got home and thought yaaah can FINALLY sleep! But then my bro and his girlf were talking loudly for ages =( She finally left...YAAAHHHHH SLEEEP , but noooo, his 2 mates came over and started gaming loudly...was like ARGHHHH!!! I can't win!!!!

Went downstairs this arvo, and the kitchen was a complete mess! No clean cups =(
I was badly dehydrated, so had to clean whole kitchen...grr. Just because I wasn't here friday, nothing got done! Sick of it! I'm NOT a slave! Males are so lazy in our family! I cook dinner, then have to wash and dry all the dishes or they don't get done =(

On the plus side, mum gave me $50 =) For helping out!
So I can buy that corset&skirt I fell in love with online!!!!! ^_^
Just need to save up $30 more for the 2nd corset <3
Ooooh, and I made muffins on Thursday! All ready for the roadtrip fri!
Double choco chip! Then late thurs I decided to ice them! So mum helped me with making the icing, then I iced all my pretty muffins! They looked amazing! Haven't iced muffins before! ^_^

So yeah. Those are the highs and lows of the past 2days =(
Hope everyone else has had a good week!
Think Thin!
xxx

1000 StarJumps...YAH

Binged today too much. Before lunch and after dinner. Arghhh.
Even after taking those laxatives last night =s
Won't lose weight if I eat heaps! O_o
So anyway. Decided to do starJumps again...
Did 300
Then 400
Then decided to aim for 600 again.
Then wasn't too tired so did another 100...
Realised I wasn't tired much at all and did 300 more.
DID 1000 STARJUMPS!!! YAAAHHHH!!! ^_^
That was my goal.Next goal is 2000 in a day.
1000 took me a couple of hours, with a few mins break between each 100 set.
Feel so energized, fit, and exausted! Haha.
Will lose all this fat for sure! Trying harder! ^_^
Weighed myself this morning, 55.8kg...which made me wanna fight harder.
Have to get down to 54 soon!
Going out to dinner for sister's bday tommorow night, so won't be eating tommorow. Liquid diet all the way ^_^ Then will stick to my liquid diet for a week.
Only eating when forced. Sweet =)
Wishing I could make myself throw up...with all the binges I keep having =(
Tried, but nothing comes out. Sigh.
Will fight harder! Lose all this fat by Christmas!
I WILL BE THIN!
I WILL BE PERFECT <3
Can't wait.
I love touching my collar bones and hip bones <3 I love the way they stick out.
Makes me feel better.
Pity my rib bones don't stick out yet.
Or thigh bones, sigh. All well. Patience.
Will get all dressed up and pretty tommorow.
Lose the weight and congratulate myself with a new corset! =) EXCITED!


Sweetdreams all <3
xxx

New fitness routine

Was so proud of myself that I decided I just HAD to write a quick blog about it.
Sick of yoyo-ing between 55-56kg that I upped my game!
Fighting harder.
I did 300 star jumps 2 days ago, was very sore for the next 2 days...lol.
But anyway.
Tonight I did 500 within an hour.
With only a quick breather between each 100 set.
Last 200 I struggled so had a few sips of coke zero inbetween.
It was great! Feel energized, exausted, but powerful.
So have decided that every 2-3 days, I will up the number of star jumps by 200.
So next Wed-ish, I will do 700! May take awhile, but I WILL do it! ^_^
Yahhh!
Shall watch those calories burn off! KGs I'm hoping! ^_^
By christmas I shall be thin! <3

So yeeep, That's my update folks.
Been exercising! Burn that little food you do eat!
Ana <3
xxx

No matter how much I don't eat...

This is all so frustrating! No matter how much I don't eat, I don't seem to lose much if any =( I've been eating only 3/4c berry kellogs (i've checked the fat content&everything) and 2 carrots peeled and cut into sticks...and I haven't lost much at all.
Have no idea what to do! Up my fitness? I barely have enough energy to do all the housework that needs doing. How will I get the energy to do more starjumps?
Eat less, exercise more. Think i'll try that. Will force myself.
Weighed today...after barely eating all day yesterday, just 1 sandwich, and I weighed 56kg.
Exactly...Made me feel so sad. All that missing meals, walking and keeping busy, and I put ON weight...I need more support, more distraction!
Binged today...so won't be eating for rest of day.
Really, BADLY want diet pills...hmmm. Will try those or my mum's diet, slim shake thingys.
Doubt she'll notice it being opened...Or i'll save up and buy my own pills/shake.
Really need to lose this weight by end of year!
Try harder! Work harder!
Let Ana be in control.
I just don't like it when she yells at me all the time. Makes me stressed, guilty, and so much more exausted =(
Hopefully tommorow will be better!
sigh...so exausted.
Trying to be more patient&loving towards my boyf.
Show him how much he means to me.

Will work out tonight, force myself.
I WILL lose this weight.
I WILL be thin!
I WILL be perfect.
I WILL be happy again.
Ana WILL be happy again too.


xxx