New start. Leaving behind

Basically, I was self destructing.
Ruining relationships between myself&friends, my boyfriend, and everyone close to me.
I was tearing myself apart inside out& couldn't take it anymore.
Hit rockbottom, God picked me up and let me know things have to change, or I won't survive.
So I'm starting new.
Started a new blog- GothicKittyRamblings.
It will be my new start.
I'm changing, for the best.
It was time to let ana and so much more go.
Follow my new blog if you want.
I love you all dearly.
But this is goodbye to this blog.
Thankyou all for the support&love you have given me<3

Misaki

I hate, everything about you.

I hate myself.
Completely.
I look in the mirror, and just loathe myself.
I've completely lost respect for myself&my body.
Won't be eating tommorow.
Housework&working out will be my day.
Decided I don't deserve sleep either. So haven't been to bed yet.
3:44am.
Will be packing&cleaning.
Have to keep moving.
All that fat I ate today.
I don't deserve sleep.
Will lose this fat.
Will look amazing in my dress&costume.
I will be happy.

I hate everything about myself.
I can't stick to a diet.
I've gotten so fat.
So ugly.
I WILL LOSE THIS WEIGHT!

I have to.
Soon.

Sweetdreams all
xxx

Biggest fail yet...New day

So basically ana hates me..i've screwed up completely.
Haven't been able to blog, or to get the courage to look at the scales for the last week.
I've been really sick with this flu and chest infection&croup...been using that as an excuse to eat whatever I want and make myself insanely fat...Am on antibiotics. Have such a bad cough, it's aweful. Exausting!

My stomach looks pregnant...been hiding from mirrors too.
Looking on everyones latest journal/blogs, i'm kind of relieved that i'm not the only one who's had a bad week. Makes me feel not so alone.
Been watching ana movies and clips tonight.
Am now inspired enough to start my diet tommorow!
Black coffee&green apples, here I come!
Will do a big shop tommorow! =)
Going to church at 9am tommorow.grrrr. Parents choice. Not happy!
Means getting up at 7:45am =(
Bit too wound up to sleep just yet.
Took my meds. Just feel so down and worthless.
So fat.
Horrible.
New goal weight is 100lbs ^_^
Everyone else on here measures in pounds, so I looked it up, and decided 100 sounds really good to me! Currently am 123lbs...O_O SO FAT!!!
Thought 100 sounds so much nicer. It's a bit under my goal weight, but oh well!
Means I have to lose 23lbs, or 11kg.
Yah-ness.
Wish me luck guys!!!

Love to all my beautiful followers!
Think thin <3
xxx

So sorry for not writing last few days...

So sorry. Had a mega meltdown Thursday night.
Was depressed, suicidal and I just snapped. Looked in the mirror and hated what I saw.
Was so close to smashing it, but instead, I broke down sobbing for hours. Then turned the mirror around because I didn't want to look at myself anymore...(it's still turned around)
My boyfriend and I had a huge fight after finding out from his best friend that he'd been lying to me about drinking.
I just snapped and lost it.I  HATE lies. I don't tolerate them at all.
Was close to slicing my wrist and thigh alot.
Or taking all my meds in my room...sigh. We almost brokeup...I told him I wasn't his girlf anymore and that I was out of his life. Depression&suicidal....=s
Couldn't write sorry.
Boyfriend and I made up. Working on it now. Tough though =(

Had a 21st roadtrip with sister&husband, my boyf didn't sleep all night thurs, (after our fight as he didn't want to risk sleeping in and missing coming with us) so he was shattered all day&night fri. Kinda killed the day. =(
We left at 12:30pm on Friday, were meant to leave 12 but then my sister was running late.
Went to pak 'n' save for lunch food and snacks. Ended up finally leaving for up north at around 2pm...Lol. Distractions! ^_^  We got up north around 4-5pm ish and took a few photos at different places. (I looked huge in all of them...) Then walked around the warehouse for ages...Then left for dinner and to get ready for the party. Had a few leaves of lettuce for dinner...was feeling sick and yuck. Got to the party around 7:45pm. Left early as they were all falling asleep and the boys looked so freakn bored the whole time. Was annoyed at that! they weren't even trying to socialise or have fun. Grrrr. Was fun talking to my mate who's 21st it was, known him since I was like 2! Haha. So that was fun. Met random people, and the costumes were awesome! Left at 9:30ish even though the DJ was coming at 10 =( That sucked but had a long journey ahead of us and they were falling asleep =s I didn't sleep the whole way home. Cuddled my boyfriend for parts of it.

 I had been looking forward to this trip for weeks. 3hour drive. Mini roadtrip. Was meant to be so much fun. But it wasn't. Sigh. Fights with my boyfriend, both being completely shattered and on edge, my sister&her husband had a harsh fight...sigh. It just sucked...
Ended well though. My boyf and I hugged and talked in the car for awhile once we got home, which was around 12:30-1am, and I finally got to sleep around 3am.After txn my boyf for an hour to talk about stuff. Get issues sorted. We still didn't agree, so am feeling unsettled about that =s

I was sick most of the day fri, so I didn't eat much. Exaustion and just felt yuck. Stomach pains =(
Looked thin in the mirror late last night, so I got excited and couldn't wait to weigh myself this morning! Jumped on the scales and it said 54.9kg then jumped to 55.0kg!!!!
Haven't weighed that in awhile! Sooooo close to 54!!!! O_O
Rather excited. 4kg to go!!!! <3

I hope everyone elses weekend was better!
This post is confusing I know =(
Sorry. Just my mind is pretty messed up lately.
I didn't cut. Not sure if I should be proud or not.
Just feeling so drained and exausted.

Tried sleeping this morning, but my brother&his girlf talked loudly for hours, then before 9am, he played electric guitar on full amp, for hours =( longer, and louder, even after I asked him to turn it down, he finally stopped and they left to go see my mum (a teacher) at her school calf club, I thought i'd finally be sleeping, but then dad came home and told me  he was leaving in 10mins to go see mum, and I felt guilty I hadn't gone yet, even though I was shattered and falling asleep...
I hurried to get ready and went up there for half an hour. Mum was happy to see me.
Got home and thought yaaah can FINALLY sleep! But then my bro and his girlf were talking loudly for ages =( She finally left...YAAAHHHHH SLEEEP , but noooo, his 2 mates came over and started gaming loudly...was like ARGHHHH!!! I can't win!!!!

Went downstairs this arvo, and the kitchen was a complete mess! No clean cups =(
I was badly dehydrated, so had to clean whole kitchen...grr. Just because I wasn't here friday, nothing got done! Sick of it! I'm NOT a slave! Males are so lazy in our family! I cook dinner, then have to wash and dry all the dishes or they don't get done =(

On the plus side, mum gave me $50 =) For helping out!
So I can buy that corset&skirt I fell in love with online!!!!! ^_^
Just need to save up $30 more for the 2nd corset <3
Ooooh, and I made muffins on Thursday! All ready for the roadtrip fri!
Double choco chip! Then late thurs I decided to ice them! So mum helped me with making the icing, then I iced all my pretty muffins! They looked amazing! Haven't iced muffins before! ^_^

So yeah. Those are the highs and lows of the past 2days =(
Hope everyone else has had a good week!
Think Thin!
xxx

1000 StarJumps...YAH

Binged today too much. Before lunch and after dinner. Arghhh.
Even after taking those laxatives last night =s
Won't lose weight if I eat heaps! O_o
So anyway. Decided to do starJumps again...
Did 300
Then 400
Then decided to aim for 600 again.
Then wasn't too tired so did another 100...
Realised I wasn't tired much at all and did 300 more.
DID 1000 STARJUMPS!!! YAAAHHHH!!! ^_^
That was my goal.Next goal is 2000 in a day.
1000 took me a couple of hours, with a few mins break between each 100 set.
Feel so energized, fit, and exausted! Haha.
Will lose all this fat for sure! Trying harder! ^_^
Weighed myself this morning, 55.8kg...which made me wanna fight harder.
Have to get down to 54 soon!
Going out to dinner for sister's bday tommorow night, so won't be eating tommorow. Liquid diet all the way ^_^ Then will stick to my liquid diet for a week.
Only eating when forced. Sweet =)
Wishing I could make myself throw up...with all the binges I keep having =(
Tried, but nothing comes out. Sigh.
Will fight harder! Lose all this fat by Christmas!
I WILL BE THIN!
I WILL BE PERFECT <3
Can't wait.
I love touching my collar bones and hip bones <3 I love the way they stick out.
Makes me feel better.
Pity my rib bones don't stick out yet.
Or thigh bones, sigh. All well. Patience.
Will get all dressed up and pretty tommorow.
Lose the weight and congratulate myself with a new corset! =) EXCITED!


Sweetdreams all <3
xxx

New fitness routine

Was so proud of myself that I decided I just HAD to write a quick blog about it.
Sick of yoyo-ing between 55-56kg that I upped my game!
Fighting harder.
I did 300 star jumps 2 days ago, was very sore for the next 2 days...lol.
But anyway.
Tonight I did 500 within an hour.
With only a quick breather between each 100 set.
Last 200 I struggled so had a few sips of coke zero inbetween.
It was great! Feel energized, exausted, but powerful.
So have decided that every 2-3 days, I will up the number of star jumps by 200.
So next Wed-ish, I will do 700! May take awhile, but I WILL do it! ^_^
Yahhh!
Shall watch those calories burn off! KGs I'm hoping! ^_^
By christmas I shall be thin! <3

So yeeep, That's my update folks.
Been exercising! Burn that little food you do eat!
Ana <3
xxx

No matter how much I don't eat...

This is all so frustrating! No matter how much I don't eat, I don't seem to lose much if any =( I've been eating only 3/4c berry kellogs (i've checked the fat content&everything) and 2 carrots peeled and cut into sticks...and I haven't lost much at all.
Have no idea what to do! Up my fitness? I barely have enough energy to do all the housework that needs doing. How will I get the energy to do more starjumps?
Eat less, exercise more. Think i'll try that. Will force myself.
Weighed today...after barely eating all day yesterday, just 1 sandwich, and I weighed 56kg.
Exactly...Made me feel so sad. All that missing meals, walking and keeping busy, and I put ON weight...I need more support, more distraction!
Binged today...so won't be eating for rest of day.
Really, BADLY want diet pills...hmmm. Will try those or my mum's diet, slim shake thingys.
Doubt she'll notice it being opened...Or i'll save up and buy my own pills/shake.
Really need to lose this weight by end of year!
Try harder! Work harder!
Let Ana be in control.
I just don't like it when she yells at me all the time. Makes me stressed, guilty, and so much more exausted =(
Hopefully tommorow will be better!
sigh...so exausted.
Trying to be more patient&loving towards my boyf.
Show him how much he means to me.

Will work out tonight, force myself.
I WILL lose this weight.
I WILL be thin!
I WILL be perfect.
I WILL be happy again.
Ana WILL be happy again too.


xxx

Blah day

Had a pretty blah day today, as the title says...
Hmmm. Got woken up super early by mum to go choose&buy my new bed. Yahhh...*Sigh*
Didn't want to and was in a bad mood after a few hours sleep...
Cheered up though. Picked a bed, king single! Never had a big bed before! Or a brand new one! ^_^ Also got a duvet inner which I put inside my black duvet tonight with mum.
Ate nothing all morning till lunch when I only wanted a drink, was dehydrated =(
But mum told me I had to eat some food...the only healthy vegetarian thing was a salad sandwich...got that and an iced choco.Ate half the sandwich and finished the choco. Said I'd finish the sandwich later but it's still in the fridge, along with my carrot sticks I made for lunch today =(
Was aweful...could taste the fat in the choco, and I haven't eaten bread in ages because of the fat...nor have I eaten egg yolk! Only the whites...So I refused to eat rest of day.
Cleaned up kitchen for dinner instead of eating, made a salad first, then did dishes and cleaned. Then odd jobs that needed doing. Kept busy so my parents wouldn't notice I didn't eat...lol. So i've had a milo and that's it. Will work that off soon.
Did 300 star jumps in half an hour and 50situps...poor I know, but I don't work out at all apart from situps...so for the past 2 days i've been so achey and can't move properly...Been horrible. But will work off that sandwich soon! yucky.
So yeah, that was my day!
How was everyone elses?

Ana went crazy last night, screaming at me about all the stuff I ate last night =(
It really sucked. Binged as healthy as I could...
Weighed myself this morning, 55.9...woaah. Cutting it a bit close. Hopefully tommorows results will be smaller! Having such trouble getting past the 55 mark =( Just wanna see 54kg on those scales, in red numbers...sigh.
Will get there! Need to eat less&exercise more! Yah. Haha.
Love all <3
xxx

Life is what it is.

Well my boyfriend finally came over last night, after work.
Over an hour late though...
I was in tears when he finally walked through the door.
He came and held me.
I cried then got up and walked out to blow my nose, then went into another room and started sobbing, on the floor, in the dark.
After a few mins he came in an just held me while I sobbed.
It was horrible.
Haven't been able to properly cry for awhile, so that felt nice.
A release.
He ended up crying with me and we talked a bit. Then just cuddled on the couch.
Felt so good to just talk. Haven't done that in ages and we really needed it.
Stayed up till past 2am talking about things. We normally go to bed around 12am as my parents don't like us up past then. Bed time...curfew...At our age! Haha.
Nah, I respect their wishes, we just needed to talk badly. We've been through so much lately. It's been so stressful and our relationship has been suffering badly. Been so close to breaking up many times. Funny thing is, I couldn't live without him.
I truely couldn't =( He's my everything.

Barely ate today. Measured out 3/4c of Berry kellogs...[done this 2-3 days in a row...] and put that in a packet then peeled two carrots and packed them too. Did this last night&put in my day bag, ready to go to my boyf's place. Ate kellogs for lunch and didn't eat till the carrots for dinner. Then it kinda went downhill =(
Went to library to return books and decided to get more out.
Looked up all these anorexic books. So i've got my thinspo&motivation for the next 2 weeks! Rather pleased I found such good books. Pity they didn't have the top 3 ano books I really wanted, but ahh well. Will buy them one day.

Was looking after my kids group, and we made pancakes with them.
Luckily boyf came back in time to eat most of mine, so I didn't have to.
Ate a bit less than half.
Came home feeling yuck =( Missed his heaps and there was a massive storm today so felt aweful. Just wanted to be with him. Hmmm.
Binged alot when home. Was horrible =(
Feeling so freakn fat. Not even going to list the crap I ate. Was so proud of feeling full from the Kellogs and carrots =( Stupidly ruined my diet!
Need diet pills badly. Hmmm. ANywho.
At home now. Seeing him on tues...ages away =( Ahhh well.

Sweetdreams all.
Hope I can soon write a good day!
xxx

Falling apart.

Started crying today. Haven't been able to cry yet.
Talked to my boyfriend till like 3:30am this morning.
He was adamant he would be coming over today then he'd go on to his sister's for dinner.
When I wokeup and talked to him, I could tell he didn't want to come&wasn't going to.
I got my hopes up for nothing.
He didn't come.
We're just drifting apart. Need time to fix us but we cancel our dates more than we spend time together lately.
Crying while writing this.
Holding on by a thin thread. So close to falling apart.
Have to keep faking a smile for my family and friends.
Have to pretend to be happy.
Fake everything.
I'm not sure how to keep holding on anymore.
Losing my grip.

I'm forced to Fake a smile, a laugh, everyday of my life. My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with

Perfect lyrics aren't they?

Made a salad for my family before.
No potatoes so couldn't do those.
I'm on a liquid diet so yeah.
Had 3 milos so far today. Done pretty well.
Will be doing this for 30ish hours. Got the idea from another blog.
Haven't been hungry at all. So that's a relief.
Weighed in at 55.9kg this morning. Very fat.
Ana is screaming in my head, louder than ever.
I've let her down again. As usual.
Also let myself down, by putting my happiness in other people.
Relying on them. I shouldn't have looked forward to today with my boyf so much.
Now i'm just disappointed and left with nothing but emptiness.

I used to live for the next thing I was looking forward to.
That would keep me going.
Looking forward to that next party, birthday, get together with friends.
But I was always let down and hurt.

Haven't talked to my bestfriend yesterday or today.
Have been too hurt.
Hurting too much.
Everytime she gets upset with me, assumes something, misunderstands me or we're having a fight, she lashes out with the same insult. Every single time.
i'm getting sick of it. It's breaking me down.
She says i'm judgemental. Every time.
Hurts so much.
Can barely see the screen. My eyes are filled with tears.
Is that all she ever sees me as? Has seen me as? I'm just this judgemental person to her?
I can't face her.
Don't know what to say, what to think anymore.
So i'm just hiding away.
Don't want to be lashed out like that again.
It will break that thin thread and I have no idea what will happen if that's broken.

Distancing myself from everyone.
Then they can't hurt me anymore.
I'm so alone.
Should get used to it.
Will be so much better on my own.

Will try my hardest not to binge tonight.
Will just stay in my room.
Safe here.
Can't get hurt.
Can't be touched.
Very untouched.
Untouchable.

Sweetdreams
Think thin.
xxx

Pointless

This will be a short message as i'm exausted and don't see the point in typing or anything really anymore.
It all seems pointless.
Everything's just gone completely downhill.
Realised yesterday that everyone takes me for granted and I should just run away.
Disappear.
I've been sworn at, attacked, called judgemental and so much more.
I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being attacked like that for no reason.
I'm falling apart. Completely. Was crumbling, now chunks are falling off.
Soon I will have nothing. I will be nothing.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I'm bone tired. Completely exausted.
I'll never get down to my goal weight.
Will only ever be fat.

Pulling away from all my friends.
I'm just invisible.
Would rather be alone.
Isolated.
Pushing my boyfriend away.
Don't want to be around people anymore.
Anyone.
Would rather stay home and hide.
Going out scares me. Eating in public.
People judging me.

I feel whenever anyone looks at me, all they see is a fat girl.
Obese.
Wondering why the heck that fatty is eating.
She shouldn't be eating that!
Look at her stomach! She looks pregnant.

Good night all.
Don't expect any more posts on here.
Probably won't have the energy.
Bye

Salt Water flush results, out of control&everything is crumbling...

As I decided last night, today would be the Salt Water Flush day.
I researched it on the internet last night, and then again this morning.
Carefully measured out 2Tablespoons of sea salt [was in a stupid grinder so I had to grind 2T out O_O. took ages] I mixed it into the 1 litre of water then went on youtube to find a video to support me while I did this. I quickly found a nice girl who was doing the flush so I watched that while downing my drink as quickly as I could.
INCREDIBLY hard! Turned out to be 3 huuuge glasses of salt water O_o
Had so much trouble drinking it. Swallowed the 1st as quickly as I could.
Took a break then started on the 2nd.
Threw out half of the 3rd drink as i was close to throwing up.
Then I waited...and waited...and waited for the results.
Took well over half an hour, maybe even an hour? Before I had to go to the bathroom.
Felt so relieved when it all came out, all that weightloss!!!!!
*Crosses fingers* Of course I was txn my best mate at the time, telling her how it was all going and how much trouble I was having! Haha. Have only drunken today.
Haven't exactly felt like eating, after all that. But of course I still had cravings.
Ignored them and kept busy with housework. Hopefully tommorow the scales will look better!

Life isn't the best at the moment, as you can probably tell from my last few posts.
I feel like my 'perfect little world' is crumbling around me and I have no idea what to do.
My fairytale romance has hit the ground into reality. With fights and a lot of issues only being together can fix, but everything keeps getting in the way so we can't work on us together, in person.
I use to be able to control food. Would just not eat when I didn't want to.
I could control it. Now I binge and starve. It's horrible.
I feel so distant from everyone. Trying my hardest to regain control but it's all out of my reach and I can't seem to fix anything. It's unraveling faster than I can patch it up.
I used to rely on self harm to help me with the control and to get all the pain I felt inside, out. But I gave that up awhile ago after I saw the way it affected my best friend&boyfriend. I have no job, no license, and no life it seems.
Everything's just crumbling, falling around me.
I have no idea what to do. I can't even cry.
I need to lose this weight and regain control. That will help me.
Have no energy to fight for my relationships anymore. With anyone.
Have no energy to fight.
Must work harder to lose all this weight.
Ana is whispering in my ear how fat I've gotten, how i've lost all control and food is now controling me. She's telling me to fight harder, go harder and burn it all.
I must try. I can't let her down again.

Must try harder.

Goodnight.
xxx

Binges to the MAX

So i've spent the last 2-3 days binging, and I feel AWEFUL!
The days started out sooo well with just drinking not eating, but all ended up with me binging on crap at the night times =(
It's so upsetting! Was so happy getting down to 55 =( FINALLY. But then screwing it up.
Ate loads tonight because I decided that will be my last binge! Going on a salt water detox diet tommorow! =) Will be doing that in the morning, then doing my liquid diet for the rest of the day! Happy happy. Thinking of all the calories I will burn!
Too scared to jump on the scales...Haven't checked them for 2 mornings now...Too scared of how high they will be! O_O

Wishing I had more ana friends...I could have so much more support!
It's aweful doing this alone. =(  Feeling obeses.
I keep busy doing housework, but I still think about food non stop =(
I keep baking too. Creating delicious food.
Which everyone else can eat but I won't.
That keeps me busy =)
Makes me rather happy too!

So these last few days haven't been the best =(
Was rather stressed and upset and I obviously didn't take it too well [binges].
Anywho. My boyfriend&I had a fight =( Very unhappy one.
Been alot of tension lately from the last fight and it's felt so fragile.
He came over wed, and I didn't want him to go. Knew I wouldn't see him for ages no matter how many times he told me that we would hang out on Fri...
Well Fri came, I woke up in a bad mood =s We had a fight.
I was telling him not to bother coming as I had lots to do.
He started throwing up. So I forced him to stay home.
Was so upset. =( Wanted to be with him but couldn't. Friday is our special day.
We always spend it together. Also it was the week we didn't have our kids club on, so it was the friday to relax and watch movies. But then he was sick =(
So next week we have kids club and yeah...No special alone time =(
We need it now more than ever.

He ended up coming over for a few hours after work on Sat.
So we just cuddled on the couch watching some lame movie.
[He told me he'd be leaving early next wed as he had to have dinner with his sister...seems like his family are always in the way of us being together =( Doesn't he seem to realise how important it is for us to spend time together atm?!?!? MALES!]
I didn't want him to leave =( Well he left at 12ish and went home to sleep as he had church in the morning and had to see his dad in arvo.
Well, I wondered why he hadn't tx me at all this morning [Sun], he finally tx around 1:30pm saying he'd slept through his alarm and had just woken up...I wasn't happy as we could've spent longer together last night! =(
Well in short, he didn't end up seeing his dad as he was too sick [Flu].
So he stayed home and slept and I went crazy with boredom and lonliness... =(

So my weekend basically sucked...Bad!
Was boring with so much food, too much free time, and yeah, was just horrible.
Well there's my boring life for ya!
Hoping this week is better and I lose LOTS of weight!!!!

Sweetdreams my Beauties <3
Lose weight!
<3
xxx

Weightloss, past that hard barrier, fights, makeups&situps

Thanks to the wonderfully amazing A.Stone, I tried out her idea of the liquid diet!
Drank only milo&hot choco all day and was down to 55.3kg!
Which I haven't been in ages!
Was soooo happy seeing that!!!! ^_^
Had a huge fight with my boyf, which completely stressed me out&sent me spirialling out of control (which is why I haven't written in awhile) am better now, and we're alot stronger. But it took alot of tears and lack of sleep to get past it aye.
Was horrible. So glad that's over.

Moving on!

Didn't eat all day. DID SOOOOO WELL!

But then made low fat muffins...which tasted bland!!!! O_o I followed the recipe perfectly! But it turned out aweful and dry! Was more light dough than the yummy thick liquid.

Ahh well, shall look for more lowfat recipes.

Been getting into my cooking alot lately. =) Low fat recipes.

Trying to make my family eat healthier! =) Hehe. My dad hasn't realised the cookies he's been eating are lowfat! ^_^ He loves cookies.

Shall make more tommorow me thinks.
My self control is getting better, apart from today =s

Went out for dinner with my Mum&Boyf. Was so nervous =( Felt sick.

Didn't want to eat...especially in front of them!

Ate half, then ate the rest at home. Felt soooo full! Was crazy, that never would've filled me up before. I'm quite liking my smaller stomach!

Woke up and got ready for my shower...was nervous about getting on the scales as I ate a cup of lowfat soup &a small green apple last night. Was worried I would put on lots of weight. Jumped on the scales and it was 55.3...the same as yesterday. Was rather relieved but unhappy it wasn't lower. Started doing 100situps everyday again.

Need to get rid of my belly. It was completely flat this morning! Was soooo happy!

=) Made my day. After dinner it stuck out a bit and made me panic =s

So I did my 100 situps on the ground after dinner, while my boyf was watching t.v.

Phew. Will tone up stomach and lose 4 kg!!! Yahh. 4 to go!

As I mentioned before, after my bestie&I lose the weight, we're going to get our navels pierced! Mum won't be happy, but meh! It's my body. Super excited!!!! ^_^

Shall be awesome! My boyf was super keen when I mentioned it to him! Yah ^_^

Thought he might say no! But he's keen.

Hmmm. Been wondering a bit about this, my boyfriend isn't keen on me losing the weight, he wont stop me, but he's not really happy about it...but then he rubs his hands over my stomach and tells me how sexy and perfect I am...my flat stomach I might add.

The stomach that has been on the liquid diet for about 2-3 days! O_o Doesn't make sense does it? Confusing. Ahh well. I think he'll be happy with the weightloss!

Sweetdreams my Beauties <3

Keep losing those kgs!

<3
xxx

FattyFatFat

Brother's Bday today, &Father's day.
Ate too much so Ana was unhappy all day and made me feel sick at night.
So I only ate a tiny dinner, but snacked after...
Mum made my favourite cake...Carrot...-_-
My weakness...
Feeling so fat and aweful.
Shall try a liquid diet this week me thinks.
Easier when no1 else is home! ^_^ KEEN!

I got down to 55.9 the other day...Then ate too much&went back up to 56...=(
Haven't gotten down to 55 in so long...
Need to try harder! This is horrible! Wishing people actually READ this blog... So I could get the support I need to lose all this fat..=(
Cannot WAIT to get down to my goal weight, though I did that BMI thing online and found out that 50kg with my height is NOT underweight!!! O_O So deciding once I get there if I want to go down lower, to maybe 48 ish. Not sure yet. Can't wait to lose all this fat.

Ahhh, shall talk about my interesting experience with laxatives!
Well, I got soooo sick of binge-ing, and wanted all that fat out of me asap, so I looked in our medicine cupboard for some pills and found Senokat Tablets.
I took 2 the first night and felt yuck all day then finally better & lighter at night.
The 2nd day (yesterday) I took 3 tablets and got pain all morning, had church, then was sick for awhile tonight. Feeling way better now and emptier!!! ^_^ So I took 3 pills again.
Crossing fingers that the weight is lower tommorow! Won't be because of stupid binges, but liquid diet tommorow!!!! Hopefully will lose heeeaaaps more!

Anywho, bed time for me! Been pretty tired today! =(
Hopefully tommorow will be better!
Will be doing lots of washing.
Sweetdreams all.
xxx

Complete Failure with a Twist

55.9 said the scales. My heart skipped a beat.
I jumped off, tapped it, then jumped on again once the numbers hit 00.00.
55.8 they said.
So I jumped on again.
55.8.
My heart raced.
I was finally getting somewhere...finally losing!
I then had a nice long shower.
I barely ate all day, so excited with my weightloss.
Kept busy with washing&reading.
Dinner time came around.
Mum had already gotten out some of my vege pizzas for everyone.
"Drat" I thought. "Pizza, Arghh."
I decided to make my low fat cookies I had made the day before, since they were a hit with my family, and I had lost some weight dispite eating some.
On went the cookies after the pizza had cooked.
I ate 2 pieces of pizza and some salad. Felt fat after =(
Then night came, and again I binged. Couldn't seem to stop eating!
It was horrible. Ate Vitawheat crackers&low fat slices of cheese.
Then had more cookies&ate more crackers with cheese.
"Hopefullly tommorow my weight will be lower, and if not, my diet will be stricter." I thought to myself, promising to make tommorow better.
"In the weekened i'll go shopping with mum, and only buy low fat food."
"Excellent, you fat pig" whispered Ana. "Try harder, DO better!"
"I won't let you down again." I whispered back my promises.
"Shall keep busy with going to the library with my boyfriend then hanging out with kids at night, shall even skip dinner! Maybe lunch!" I silently pleaded, to make her happy.
"Lose that fat. Don't let us down again." came her reply.
"I won't" I murmured..."I won't"


xxx

I NEED HELP!

I thought today would be so much better.
Did housework all morning.
Cleaned bathrooms, toilets, kitchen, washing, vacuumed house...
Did so much and on an orange&1 kiwifruit.
Did so well!!! Then my boyf...FINALLY came over & I made these low fat cookies I found online. They tasted pretty good.
Then of course I ate heaps =(
Then got busy making dinner...After dinner we ate more cookies...
It's horrible!!! Where is my self control gone?!?!?!
When I used to weigh 50kg and the doc said I was malnourished...
I was so happy...I miss those days.

I need to lose all this fat! AFter days of dieting, I checked the scales this morning, and had only lost .2kg...HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?????
I need support??
The only friend who knows is my bestie.
Who's trying to lose weight too.
My stomach was flat the other day and my boyf ran his hands over it & said how beautiful&hot I was.
He doesn't even know about the weightloss...or about me wanting/trying to lose weight.
He doesn't exactly want me to. But oh well.
I need to lose it...For me! For my sanity!!!!
Please help?
I can't stop binging and need help&support
<3

xxx

Please let tommorow be better!

Well today I ate alot =( Got up earlier because I had a friend coming over with her baby for a photoshoot, and stupidly I ate even though I wasn't even hungry!!!! Not cool.
Ate an orange&Kiwifruit. Sigh. I really hope my self control gets better!!!!
Didn't eat till I found some biscuits, then I ate 2 =( Had some green tea then started getting ready. Didn't eat till after she'd gone, around 3pm. Then ate another orange.
At least it was fruit! Dinner was a salad I made with all good ingredients&then made a fruit salad for dessert&had a little icecream. Less than I normally eat, but the portions need to be smaller next time. Then it will be better!

And I need to stop being lazy and start exercising! I used to do hundreds of situps every night =( Now I can't because I badly bruised my lower back last time&couldn't do them for a week or so, after that I just gave up. Housework is NOT enough exercise!

The scales aren't going down low enough!!! It's so frustrating barely eating anything all day only to have them show that you only lost .5kg the next day!!!!
I need to lose it quicker! Thinking diet pills! I just don't have the money to buy them =(

Wonder if anyone who reads this, has any ideas on how to lose weight quicker????
HEEEELP???? Desperate!
Well, going to watch Corpse Bride by Tim Burton (One of my favourite movies by my all time favourite director!!!)
Hope everyone has a great night <3
xxx

Failure

Well, as usual, I did sooo well during the day! Ate basically nothing!
Drank cups of green tea&honey to burn up the cals&keep me going.
But then family came over for dinner...=TORTURE!!!
Having people watch what I eat, how much etc.
I hate it!!!! O_O
Ate some salad&roasted potatoes, and all I could think about, was all that fat going in my body. IT WAS HORRIBLE!!!!
I prefer being alone when eating, or not eating! Hate having people watching me! It's aweful =( I feel like a complete failure.
Then I freaken binged on some favourite chocos that my sister left around.
Arghhh. All that hard work for nothing! Chocolate is the worst thing I could've had! =( *Sigh* Tommorow MUST be better! Will be out at church in morning then maybe photoshoot in afternoon. I MUST DO BETTER!
I must lose all this fat! I want it all gone! Yuck.
Bedtime soon! Sleep burns calories. Good. I need it.
I have to do this. My cousins gave me some clothes, so that's new thinspo for me! Cause they are super tiny!!!!! So that helped heaps. Want to fit a size 6!
I miss small sizes.
Gotta wear baggy stuff around my family though, or they'll get suspicious.
Realised yesterday that I always seem to eat more around my boyfriend! O_O
I binge so much with him! Compulsion to eat. Shall fix that!!!!
Food shopping tommorow with Mum.
Fat free or low fat food to buy now! And super healthy! Fruit and vege!
YumYumYum! No more junk I can binge on!
No matter how much I want it momentiarily, I don't Need it!
Anywho. Stand strong people!
Sweetdreams


Oh yeah, and my fave celeb thinspo would be Nicole Richie <3
I love her ano body! <3 And Jessica Tovey from Home&Away <3
She left but she got sooo skinny at the end! Watched it just to see her.
xxx

First blog!!! Yahhh. Finally started one.

Hello my new blog!
So glad I finally got around to making one! Now I can keep busy on those days when I'm home alone and haven't got much work to do! Since I do all the housework =)
I'm like a little housewife with no husband! Haha.
Well, writing a bit about me aye? Since this is my blog and all, guessing people would want to know a little about me!
Well, the basic bullet points are in my about me section, which I will get around to cleaning up sometime. I'm Misaki, hello! ^_^
I love everything to do with Japan, I hope to visit there with my boyfriend in the next few years. Have some saving to do first! SHOPPING! Haha.

I'm a GothicKitten, as my boyfriend calls me =^_^= I wear cat ears most of the time!
Brought them about 2 years ago and just fell in love with them! Felt so me!!!
I plan to make/buy many different types! =) At the moment, I just have a black&white one =) I brought a black one =( But lost it at a camp.

I'm pro ana. I plan on losing alot of weight then my bestie&I will be treating ourselves to navel piercings! I love tattoos&piercings! Plan to get many!!! =)
At the moment I have a nose ring on right side, 2 stretched ears [one on each ear, at the bottom] and a second piercing in each ear. No tattoos yet, but am planning/designing a few! I want to get a second nose ring on the same side, 3 more ear piercings on both ears, navel piercing and that's about it at the moment =)

My favourite colour is black!!!! ^_^ 2nd and 3rd are cadbury purple&emerald green.
My room is very creative as it's changed&added to alot! It is my bubble =) It's my canvas! Haha. I love it. Will show photos sometime. I'm mostly gothic, which is what others tell me all the time. I mostly wear black, not because I'm trying to be something I'm not, or to draw attention to myself but because I feel like me when I'm dressed the way I do.
I don't fake myself to fit in with some kind of crowd. Actually, all my friends wear colour! ^_^ I'm just being me. Not what others want me to be. I've finally found myself =)
 I'm sometimes sadistic, and optimistic pessimist is what I call myself.
A realist! I tell it like it is. I dislike lying&untruths. I prefer others to be honest with me and don't expect them to lie to protect me. I'm overprotective over my friends. They mean the world to me and I can't stand around watching them get hurt. If someone hurts them, then it's my business too.

I have FINALLY gotten my first Pullip doll-Raven [Naomi Pullip]. She's so very beautiful&I love her! Am a member of the Flicker community <3 I post photos of her alot. Well, the few I've taken of her so far! Her birthday is the 24th August 2010 [when she finally came]
Waiting for her was horrible!

I currently have no job. Was at uni last year then had a bad wrist injury in Nov ish.
Was on my writing hand =( AWEFUL! Couldn't do much. Had physio then went to the hand specialist and in feb I had surgery! Torn cartilige&ligament. Ouchy! But it's all better now! Just have some weird scarring which I say looks like aliens abducted me! Haha.

I have alot of health problems&am accident prone! Always some kind of injury O_o
At the doctors& A&E alot! =( I had Endometriosis. Which is an immensly painful disease. Went on many pain medications&pills to make it better, but none worked so in the end we gave up&were asked to go to specialist who did surgery on me&found out I had it. Arghh. They cut it all out =) Still alot of pain, so I'm not meant to have periods- YAHHH!
Haha. <3 So yeah, some interesting scars in that one! 3 1cm ones on stomach&one inside my belly button as well.

I love photography and photo editing! I've done alot of both. I prefer nature photos, but have started doing portrait ones of people =) Getting experience&my portfolio done.
Will post some of my photos at later dates.

Wow, what else to say?  Yes, Pro ana. That I am =) I'm currently 56.5kg [as I checked this morning] At my lowest I was 50kg- In last 2 years of college. And I was very happy.
After college, I piled on the kgs which is freaken horrible!!!! O_O Finally putting my feet down and stopping snacking! =) It feels awesome barely eating anything!
I eat fruit and drink Green tea with honey! Yumyum =)
Anywho. Time for me to go now =)
Follow me if you wish =)
xxx
Misaki