Falling apart.

Started crying today. Haven't been able to cry yet.
Talked to my boyfriend till like 3:30am this morning.
He was adamant he would be coming over today then he'd go on to his sister's for dinner.
When I wokeup and talked to him, I could tell he didn't want to come&wasn't going to.
I got my hopes up for nothing.
He didn't come.
We're just drifting apart. Need time to fix us but we cancel our dates more than we spend time together lately.
Crying while writing this.
Holding on by a thin thread. So close to falling apart.
Have to keep faking a smile for my family and friends.
Have to pretend to be happy.
Fake everything.
I'm not sure how to keep holding on anymore.
Losing my grip.

I'm forced to Fake a smile, a laugh, everyday of my life. My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with

Perfect lyrics aren't they?

Made a salad for my family before.
No potatoes so couldn't do those.
I'm on a liquid diet so yeah.
Had 3 milos so far today. Done pretty well.
Will be doing this for 30ish hours. Got the idea from another blog.
Haven't been hungry at all. So that's a relief.
Weighed in at 55.9kg this morning. Very fat.
Ana is screaming in my head, louder than ever.
I've let her down again. As usual.
Also let myself down, by putting my happiness in other people.
Relying on them. I shouldn't have looked forward to today with my boyf so much.
Now i'm just disappointed and left with nothing but emptiness.

I used to live for the next thing I was looking forward to.
That would keep me going.
Looking forward to that next party, birthday, get together with friends.
But I was always let down and hurt.

Haven't talked to my bestfriend yesterday or today.
Have been too hurt.
Hurting too much.
Everytime she gets upset with me, assumes something, misunderstands me or we're having a fight, she lashes out with the same insult. Every single time.
i'm getting sick of it. It's breaking me down.
She says i'm judgemental. Every time.
Hurts so much.
Can barely see the screen. My eyes are filled with tears.
Is that all she ever sees me as? Has seen me as? I'm just this judgemental person to her?
I can't face her.
Don't know what to say, what to think anymore.
So i'm just hiding away.
Don't want to be lashed out like that again.
It will break that thin thread and I have no idea what will happen if that's broken.

Distancing myself from everyone.
Then they can't hurt me anymore.
I'm so alone.
Should get used to it.
Will be so much better on my own.

Will try my hardest not to binge tonight.
Will just stay in my room.
Safe here.
Can't get hurt.
Can't be touched.
Very untouched.
Untouchable.

Sweetdreams
Think thin.
xxx