Salt Water flush results, out of control&everything is crumbling...

As I decided last night, today would be the Salt Water Flush day.
I researched it on the internet last night, and then again this morning.
Carefully measured out 2Tablespoons of sea salt [was in a stupid grinder so I had to grind 2T out O_O. took ages] I mixed it into the 1 litre of water then went on youtube to find a video to support me while I did this. I quickly found a nice girl who was doing the flush so I watched that while downing my drink as quickly as I could.
INCREDIBLY hard! Turned out to be 3 huuuge glasses of salt water O_o
Had so much trouble drinking it. Swallowed the 1st as quickly as I could.
Took a break then started on the 2nd.
Threw out half of the 3rd drink as i was close to throwing up.
Then I waited...and waited...and waited for the results.
Took well over half an hour, maybe even an hour? Before I had to go to the bathroom.
Felt so relieved when it all came out, all that weightloss!!!!!
*Crosses fingers* Of course I was txn my best mate at the time, telling her how it was all going and how much trouble I was having! Haha. Have only drunken today.
Haven't exactly felt like eating, after all that. But of course I still had cravings.
Ignored them and kept busy with housework. Hopefully tommorow the scales will look better!

Life isn't the best at the moment, as you can probably tell from my last few posts.
I feel like my 'perfect little world' is crumbling around me and I have no idea what to do.
My fairytale romance has hit the ground into reality. With fights and a lot of issues only being together can fix, but everything keeps getting in the way so we can't work on us together, in person.
I use to be able to control food. Would just not eat when I didn't want to.
I could control it. Now I binge and starve. It's horrible.
I feel so distant from everyone. Trying my hardest to regain control but it's all out of my reach and I can't seem to fix anything. It's unraveling faster than I can patch it up.
I used to rely on self harm to help me with the control and to get all the pain I felt inside, out. But I gave that up awhile ago after I saw the way it affected my best friend&boyfriend. I have no job, no license, and no life it seems.
Everything's just crumbling, falling around me.
I have no idea what to do. I can't even cry.
I need to lose this weight and regain control. That will help me.
Have no energy to fight for my relationships anymore. With anyone.
Have no energy to fight.
Must work harder to lose all this weight.
Ana is whispering in my ear how fat I've gotten, how i've lost all control and food is now controling me. She's telling me to fight harder, go harder and burn it all.
I must try. I can't let her down again.

Must try harder.

Goodnight.
xxx